guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
