were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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