we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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