I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
