You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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