He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I could make wine with my vomit
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
