Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
