Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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