A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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