I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
