my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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