I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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