I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
jump out the window naked night went bad
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
