you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Sorry my hands just texted you
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
