So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize