Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
