Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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