The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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