genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Four minutes until I can fart!
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
