remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
