I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
