She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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