mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
