Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
