More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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