I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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