Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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