Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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