four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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