The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
