We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
