well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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