The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
