Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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