Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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