so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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