you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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