For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
