I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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