It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
