i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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