is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
