I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
