the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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