Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
