i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
