I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize