You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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