hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
