I think I won the penis lottery.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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