Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize