i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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