I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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