I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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