Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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