The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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