Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
