I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
