I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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