You're a womanizer and a bitch.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
