Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You pole danced in your parka.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
