I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize